Hack Director or Envy?

First off we have Kevin Smith, whose claim to fame (?) is "Clerks" which I once tried to watch when there were only like 3 Cable Stations at the time and the fact that it took place in New Jersey (personal vendetta) had me scoffing at the tv screen. He then went on to create failure after failure and from what I've read kept employing the same hackneyed routines from his debut. He also employs Matt Damon and Ben Affleck often, which has a repelling magnet affect on me ("Good Will Hunting" read title above). HE ALSO does bits for Jay Leno, which not only states to me that a mortgage payment was due in the Smith household but has a "maybe the people in Missoula will like me and rent 'MallRats'" ring to it.

Ed Burns. Ugh. Smarmy guy who stepped in shit once and now will not go away. He has a new film out, "The Groomsmen" which has gotten panned in every review I've read and I get kind of a nice warm feeling reading those reviews. (I know, I am a bastard) Although I have also never sat through his debut film, "The Brothers McMullen", I did have the non pleasure of seeing the recycled version of one of his waste of Kodak moments starring none other than Bon Jovi. (See New Jersey vendetta above) I squirmed in my seat of the near empty theater, one of the other eight people sitting next to me; a reciprical jesture on my part for having invited said person to "Big Night" (brilliant!) the previous weekend. Ed Burns in turn married Christy Turlington, whom I once liked until I read a few interviews with her and fell asleep in the crease of the magazine. Three times.

M.Night Shyamalan (sp?). Having been living oversea's at the time of "The Sixth Sense" and the bruhaha that surrounded the whole don't give away the ending hubris, I returned to Los Angeles and started work at an Agency (UTA) whom represented M. I was in the Video Transfer department and we would send out actors and directors (and the likes) demo reels. So if someone wanted to hire Scarlett Johansen (sp) for a roll, I would dupe her reel and forward it. This was one of the best jobs of my life because we represented David Chase and we would get the 'Sopranos' episodes a week before they aired. But I digress. We repped M.Night, and like every other director's oeuvre we had catalogued, I would take movies home to watch. One word,
"Unbreakable". Unbearable. I've also heard from people who were pissed by shelling out money for "The Village" as well.

I guess I feel towards these guys as I did when I was growing up towards kids who had great Dads. (Awww!) Somewhat envious but determined to go it alone.

The Origional FireCrotch

'Wild about Movies' blog recently cornered Kathy Griffin after her 3rd Sold Out show in LaLaLand about setting up an interview. But first they asked her about a piece in "Page Six" which stated that Kathy would not preform at Splash Bar in NYC before she was guaranteed $30,000 and a $10,000 Rider. It bothered me after reading that. I'm like WTF does she need a $10,000 Rider for? She use to play 'Largo' (in LA as well, where I worked) to try out her material for, I swear, $5 and a free drink. Something was fishy and when Wild about Movies cornered her, they asked her about that one story. Following is her quote...read it til the end...she's a fucking pissa.

"The paper said I demanded $30,000 and a $10,000 rider to perform at the gay bar Splash. You know a rider is for all the shit that A-list celebs want, like all the green M&Ms picked out of their fucking candy bowl, and the coke, not from the bottle, and shit like that. I don't need a fucking rider, nor have I ever asked for one. I just need my bottle of water and old stool to set my bottle of water on, on stage with me. That's it." Oh, she also is quick to point out that the person who 'leaked' this item to the Post, was dumb enough to go "on the record, and use his real fucking name, Len Evans. Oh, and get this," adds Griffin, "The Post story says that Len Evans said that I don't love my gay fans because I turned down their offer, which I never got in the first place, and that Jennifer Lopez performed for free at the recent NYC Gay Pride. They need to check the definition of perform. Lip-syncing a couple of songs doesn't count."

Editorial Page

I'm not one to get political, but is anyone else out there feeling like this world is about to fucking blow itself up? I mean, it's fucking non stop mayhem around the planet. And who is causing all of it? 68% Islamic Fundermentalists, 30% African Warlords and thieving Predidents and 2% A North Korean Pansy Ass. You know what all these leaders have in common? They did not get enough toys as a child. I mean, it seems to me like they are the little brats in the neighborhood who wanna hang out with the teenagers, so they feel they have to prove themselves. It reminds me of when I had to steal Nudie Mags to show my older brother and his friends that I was hang-able. All these leaders; No. Korea, Iran, all these Imams, and the aforementioned Africans; they either all have very small cocks or they have these Napolean Complexes. Bin Laden is an altogether different type, he is just a sick fuck.
I've known a few Lebanese people in my life and I'm sure they are like, my country is being destroyed because of some fanatical sect. I don't blame Isreal at all on this one. It's just fucked up because I know we as the US are going to have to intervene or take Isreals side and that means New York will be in danger once more. I hope I don't come off as some racist bastard,but similar to the umpire, I'm just calling them as I see them.

This is my most popular shuffle song...

POP SONG FOR US REJECTS ...by Silverchair
Addiction's held you back But you don't care
Cause you're on a high again
And it's not fair
Consuming alcohol
While I gotta drive
Take a hit from the drugs you stole
And try to survive
Since your life was over
You haven't yet been sober
You have held me back so long
Everything you do is wrong
Now I gotta dump you
Continue my life too
I tried to help you
Don't care what you do

Your state of mind's improved
But we're still apart
I visited you'd moved
Don't know where to start
Your life's and open cold sore
Got to get out of the cream
Now I'm thinking positive
But I know it's a dream

You died yesterday

Fun Facts about the Forgotten Boro #56

Approximately 1 out of every 3 liscensed drivers has a Cadillac Escalade or one of those new Cadillac Coupes.

Runway Dork week One

If you watched "Project Runway" last night, the first of the third season; you may have picked some favorite contestants or like me, you may just want to wait til the crowd gets thinned down to an even seven. Regardless, the evenings biggest doofus had to be Malan. He of the EuroTrashy wanna be (he's from Taiwan) with slicked back hair and clothes out of Vogue Hommes. It was not until three quarters into the show that I realized who he reminded of. The 'Jurgan' character played by Bruce LaBruce in "Hustler White." It is identical. I caught the last half hour first, and I was like, "Oh, he seems cool, she seems nice" and then they replayed the same episode afterwards and I was like, "Slow down Mickey, your first impressions suck." So, I will officially hold off for a favorite to win (I kind of still like the mother of five who put the chandelier pieces on the dress).

Constant Craving

It's got to be unhappiness or unfufillment which is making me Jones more and more for wanting to get fucked up. En route to the library is the 'Buy Right Liquor Store' and I've walked in, browsed around, noticed that Vodka has gotten pretty expensive and walked out empty handed possibly because I was not going to drink some barBQue lighting fuel as my fall off the wagon cocktail. (I bet the least popular baby boy names for Alcoholics' are :Georgi and Alexi)
I don't want to drink.
See, when I take myself to the movies or go for a walk/jog I'm good. But when the dismalness of my life becomes apparent to me, the sheer boredom of everyday life, the life around me...Well, I just want to get drunk so I can fall asleep and be comatose for a few hours without overthinking every minute. Without looking at some succesful blowhard or reading about some spoiled rich tweens or not attending any seemingly sounding cool events or my stupid freaking commute which takes an hour and a half just to get off this island of misfit toys.
I'm getting roped into stupider and stupider jobs. I am like an old lady not being able to say no to telemarketers. God! I need a fucking Extreme Makeover: SOUL Edition.

Fuckin' A!! We are in the finals of the World Cup!
Update: As you know, we won. It was so great watching this in a bar full of real Italians, not guido's or gasp Lenny Kravitz (Did you see him in the newspaper going bonkers and holding up an Italian flag?).

Fizzle

"Today's the fourth of July,
Another June has gone by.
And when they light up our town; I just think,
What a waste of gunpowder and sky"


Aimee Mann

Debra Messing has left the building...

The Emmy people have finally changed their standards of nominations. Now, brilliant actresses who never get recognized are going to get a chance at losing to Edie Falco or Patricia Heaton. (I worked @ the agency that repped P.H. <---before 'Raymond' we were sending her dismal audition reel out constantly to no avail. But, after nabbing 'Ray' she ended up being a big bread winner for the agency). I guess the gayest thing about me (besides the obvious man loving) is that I dig 'The Gilmore Girls'. I guess some would call it a guilty pleasure, but, fuck it, I don't feel guilty about it. If you never watched it, it is kind of like 'Days of our Lives' mixed with 'Northern Exposure' with a little 'Sienfeld' tossed in. Lauren Graham (pictured) is fantastic, but the star of the show is Kelly Bishop, who plays Lauren's mom, Emily.
Update: Lauren got snubbed again. But fucking Debra Messing skated in with a nod. Absolute Shite!!

Central Casting

I took the ferry to the Pines @ Fire Island yesterday for a job. It was hysterical. Every type of gay guy or woman you can possibly stereotype was on this ferry. It was like in the movie "Airplane!" when they were showing all the different airlines and attatching the obvious stereotype to each. (The Isreal Airline had hasidic locks around the big nose of the plane). But the more I think of it, I guess once you are assosiated in a culture or nationality, I guess everyone is put into a little box. I know that in "Italian" culture, we have various labels for different type of person. Puttana's, Gavones, Mafiosa, Finoche...(answers* Whores, Slobs, Crooks and Gays).

Dear Guido's and Guidettes;

Please. I beg of you. Refrain from dousing yourself in your Designer/ Imposter Designer fragrances before you go to work out or go jogging/walking. There is nothing worse than breathing in a big gulp of J.Lo or Gaultier for Men or (in Staten Island) some Hilton sisters idea of 'beautiful'. It's bad enough with the stagnant heat, but then to pass by you with me all huffing and puffing and then inhaling that merde is mind numbing.
Have you ever heard of pheromones? They are our Natural scents. Far more sexier (in my opinion) than some contrivance of thistle, lemon, patchulli and lotus flower! Have you ever been into like, minute 13 on the stairmaster or whatever that skiing gizmo is, and then some 'Joey Boombatz' takes the next machine smelling like he just baptized himself in the River Chaps? It's kind of obnoxious people.
Thanks

Too many Margherita's ?

Yesterday, I glanced down at the little headlines on Yahoo and it said:
Buffet to give away three quarters of his fortune.
And I was like, "That's cool, but I still hate his music and those parrot-head fans of his." I had read somewhere a year or a two ago that he was one of the highest grossing touring acts of that year. "Cripes, did he make that much money off of a few hits?"

Then I was listening to BBC News and they said it was, Warren Buffet. "Ah, that makes more sense now Mickey, doesn't it?" The story went on to say that this humongous amount was going to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. And Bill and Melinda have all this money and Bill and Melinda have given away billions...But wait? Shouldn't it just be like, Bill's gazillions? I mean, what did Melinda come into the marriage with. Was her dowry that high? Does Bill just cringe when he hears this 'Bill and Melinda's money'? Is he driving in his Prius and listening to NPR and mumbling to himself, "Yeah right, Bill and Melinda's fortune...sheesh."
Like, did she say,
"Um, Bill, maybe now that were kind of living together, maybe we should get a joint bank account? Let me just make my next payment on my Discover card, and we'll just combine em', kay?"

Had a Dad...

I can not even begin to tell you the story involving this book, but it was a synchronicity of sorts. Because there are no such things as coinc...This book also began a rollercoaster ride of unaware coinc, I mean sychronicities of my DVD selections. From the sublime "The Postmen in the Mountains" (China) to "The Son's Room" (Italian) to the obvious "Father and Son" (Russian), all of these movies related to a father and his son. And the fact that God bestowed upon me the worst father since, did Hitler have kids? Well you get the drift.
By the way, I'm not some pretentious snob who only sees films with subtitles. Also a person who calls movies, films. But the library where I go has the suckiest collection of like 65 films. With doubles of "Cecil B Demented" and "Cruise Ship" et al. So, I wander into the 'foreign' section. Pretty soon I'm going to need a different branch or else I'll be watching the aforementioned.
Also, the book above "Long Way Back" is absolutely gorgeous. Recommended for anyone who is a lapsed Catholic and has a knowledge of music pre 1985 ish.

Gay Pride New York Style 

New Directions

I'm sure people in a lot of occupations can agree with me. Have you ever been told by a prospective employer who has led you on, strung you along for weeks, that they are now going to go in a different direction? I know actors can relate, but Chef's? How the fuck do you go in a different direction?
"Oh, so I guess your going to, what? Open an automat?"
Fail like "Pret a Manger" and pre wrap all your foods and sell them out of one of those refrigerators that look as though you are going through the car wash?
I don't understand.
Freaking Cowards! I should have charged them for my 'holding time'.
Complete Bullshite.

Book Shnook

I've been reading novels like a fiend. I read (6 years later) "A Heartbreaking Work..." in a day. Pretty Good, I guess. Kinda rambly.
But now I'm almost finished with the Tom Shales/Miller book "Live from New York", on SNL. I've been watching SNL since it's inception, show it's kind of interesting. I'm almost done, but before I comment on a few cast members, I have to say this.
First off, if your not familiar with the way "Edie" was edited by George Plimpton, which I believe had started this type of 'biography', the book reads like this.
Joe Blow actor
And then Joe Blow says something here for a paragraph or eight.

Suzie Doe producer
And then Suzie says some shit pertaining to the section or timeline.

Well, they speak to practically everyone who is still breathing from the show (sadly, not Laura Kightlinger) and it's like, you can see the personalities from these people just by reading the comments they made to Shales. These people, the writers and actors, are so fucking NEEDY. They are all self congratulatory on the skits that they did. I mean that's nice, but to start off a sentence by stating, "You know, I wrote blabbity blah skit. I checked the applause meter and it was the highest rated blah blah blah", it's so fucking sad. It reminds me of those eager beavers at sleep away camp; "Let's put on a show!"
The last chapter is a bukkake scene for Lorne Michaels; who comes off as kind of a dick/genious/Star Fucker.
Anyway
Chevy Chase : News Alert- He's a gigantic ASSHOLE
Garrett Morris: Seriously in Denial about his drug use. (he set 30 Rock on fire, free-basing)
John Belushi: Still dead
Dana Carvey: Kind of insecure ( he and his Wayne's World buddy Mike Meyers hated each other)
Joe Piscopo: Totally Nutso. He honestly does not take a shit w/out calling Tina Sinatra up.
Jeannine Garofalo: Disgruntled yet has Integrity
et al

Sigh...

---------->>>> Watched the stupid fucking show Hell's Kitchen the other night and could not believe the ineptness of the morons they chose for this show. 1 person out of 12 is not a complete asshole. Leave it to Fox. You know what infuriates me most? The a-hole winner gets to be a CHEF of a million dollar restaurant in Vegas. These fucking people could not (6 to a team) get out one tables APPETIZERS in under and hour and a half, a table of 2 mind you. These idiots are sweating in food, don't wear gloves, it is un FUCKING real. Man, I just caught my self. Sure it's unreal. It's reality television.

---------->>>> Bravo is kind of pissing me off lately. They've been showing these promo's for some kind of gay television channel or website or comcast or something to that effect. Now, here I am, watching it with my Mom and all they show is like, models and this bullshit, with all these sexy people and nakedness. Now, don't get me wrong. I love sexiness and I love nakedness; especially when I am the one naked with the sexy, But... Can't the fucking powers that be who made this commercial show that we have a little more substance than that? Cripes! It's like hey gays!, you love sex, that's all your good for, here's a show/site for you. How bout' having a show like Biography on there or a Charlie Rose type show or a drama other than 'Wet Palms' where everything is not about screwing. "The 'L' Word" anyone? The Brittish version of "Queer as Folk". You know, gays run freaking Hollywood, so how come when it comes time for us to have our own channel we get hubris like this? Show "Butterfly" (Pia Z. not Pariah) or some campy movie like that. Have an edge, have some freaking humor (the gays love to laugh!) have a video show that features more than 'Erasure'. You know, Joan Jett, Melissa Etheridge, Rufus Wainwright and other artists all have new stuff out there. Maybe the "Crystal"
Generation can come out of their K-holes long enough to program some of this stuff. I worked at a very successful Agency in Los Angeles and I see what these up and coming 'auteurs' point of reference is coming from. They do not know shit from before 1980. Could an agent representing some big star not know who Fellini or Antonini or Houston( not Whitney!) is. I've witnessed it dozens of times in similar fashions.
P.S. While watching Bravo, prepare to maybe see me on there in the next 6 months if things go correctly.

Sidenote: I Heart Kathy Griffin and Janice Dickenson so freaking much. Besides L&O: Criminal Intent in blocks on USA, these two shows make me turn on the television.

Dorff Doffs Dungaree's Dick Display

Keeping Kathy Griffen company on the D list is a little humbling I guess to Steven Dorff. Star of nothing that comes to mind is about to turn into a gay icon (I guess) when he drops his drawers in the upcoming "Shadowboxer". According to director Lee Daniels in the latest issue of the free glossy MetroSource, "We got swinging dick from Steven Dorff. Big swinging dick". He then goes on to say that they shot him fully erect, semi-erect and flaccid. He said they decided on semi for the theater version and that the director's cut "should be off the hook". With co-stars such as Mo'Nique, Macy Gray and Cuba God Awful Jr; I say, as would Jackie Hervey from 'The Onion'; Oscar Meyer Winner!

somewhat of a good thing

If anyone can remember what I am schooled in and sometimes work as then you will be excited to know that I got a second callback from a show dealing with just this profession. It's a 'contest' with the winner getting $100 G's. When I discovered this show midway through it's last run, I almost jumped through the screen with excitement and the knowledge that I would kick some reality show ass. I'll know in two weeks or so if it is a go. I can't reveal too much information.