Wednesday, March 15, 2006

"Don't confront me with my failures, I (pause) Have not forgotten them.

It's kind of hard to be in my shoes these days. Drug Counselors and their ilk all say that I (upon being sober) am basically at the age when my addiction first started. So now, instead of looking like a really young 39, I'm a really old looking 15. Kind of like those kids with alopecia (sp?) you see on Maury.
So, this was my job history @ 14-15-16. I would get a job to obtain what I needed and quit afterwards. I wanted to go to 'Joe Namath Football Camp' so I delivered the Daily News for 5 months. I wanted to go to Italy with my class, so I worked like a slave in a diner for 6 months. I looked at a job as just a bartering tool for action and travel. I never had any strings nor cared if they moved me up or held the position open for me once I returned, I'd just wait til I got the traveling bug or the need for a new pair of 'Capezio's (white. natch) and scan the Staten Island Advance for a job.
I've got to break this cycle. My great friend Donna's only goal in life was to have kids and get a house, and she achieved this by the time she was 23. My friend Joyce started settling down a little later and now she has the house, the career and a great traveling schedule. I've never wanted these things because I knew I would have to give up drinking. I swear. I had foregone being in a relationship for the last 8-10 years because I knew I would have to give up my true love (alcohol) or at least be exposed as being a drunk/druggie if I got too close to someone, and quite frankly, I was NOT READY to do so.
I notice a lot of people after they've been through Rehab start getting their teeth fixed and start working out and that's great, but for me I've got to start keeping a job and possibly work towards another goal.
For the last two days all I did was sleep. I was so freaking depressed. And trying to sleep in a busy halfway house where you have to be out of your room by 8 am is difficult. I spread a blanket on the bathroom floor, I contemplated sleeping under the bed and all from what. Because I'm so pissed that I did not hook myself up with a job before I quit C________. I felt so vindicated when I walked out of there. They; stringing me along for 3 months with my raise that never materialized, and for the fact that they will never find someone like me again. I knew for sure they would be calling me back.
It just goes to show, we are all replaceable. Even people I thought who would never re coup from losing their partners have moved on to 'newer' spouses. If I stopped writing this blog without a warning and it just hung their in cyberspace. Would people who check in from time to time and just see the same last entry; would they even speculate to where I had gone? What's up?


Bart said...

Like the proverb about the tree and the forest I have often wondered if nobody reads a blog does it really exist? Yes, it does and don't stop writing or you will be missed.

mickeyitaliano said...

Thanks Bart,
Right back at you...