Calling Planet HollywoodSo I’ve read The Hollywood Reporter’s annual list of sky-high-earning actresses, and all I can say about some in the top 10: on what planet? Here are my reasons:
1. Nicole Kidman: Makes $16 mil–$17 mil per picture. What she should be earning: less than $1 mil.That’s right, I’m saying that Nicole should practically be paying film companies to hire her, not the other way around. That’s because she’s poison at the box office, the female equivalent of Sean Penn. Women dislike her, men don’t think she’s sexy, and those Chanel ads induce nausea. My guess is Nicole’s rate dates back to Sony Pictures overpaying her for that bomb Bewitched. Since then, she’s been doing smaller films, but is signing for studio projects right now. Note to majors: Save your $$$ and hire Reese or Angelina.
2. Reese Witherspoon: $15 mil. What she should be earning: $25 mil.Reese can do no wrong. Women love her, men love her, and the camera loves her. And she’s smart: When she was looking for a new agency, she lamented not owning her Legally Blonde character because it’ll be Broadway bound. Which doesn’t mean all her films are great, but she’s always great in them. She opens a movie. ’Nuff said.
3. Renée Zellweger: $15 mil. What she should be earning: $5 mil.Renée doesn’t open movies, unless the material is Bridget Jones–cloned. She’s fine as the wife or girlfriend, but her price needs to be cut to a third. Worse, audiences are sick of her changing hair color whenever she changes parts. That’s a dye job, not an acting job. Sadly, she’s lost her once-winning girl-next-door quality; now she’s trying to be a fashion diva. Ugh.
4. Drew Barrymore: $15 mil. What she should be earning: $3 mil.Drew has never been able to open a movie, and she never will. That doesn’t mean she isn’t sweet onscreen, but lately her roles have been too saccharine. If only she’d bring back that Poison Ivy edginess she once had. Women like her, but they don’t want to be her (or even briefly married to Tom Green), whereas men don’t think she’s hot anymore. Drew’s price should go up when she grows up.
5. Cameron Diaz: $15 mil. What she should be earning: $7 mil.Put her in a bikini, and she’s worth it. Put her in a chick flick (In Her Shoes, The Holiday), and she’s not. Everyone finds her sexy, but women don’t like her. (It’s jealousy. And not just because of Justin.) Plus, from the neck up, she simply doesn’t have much range as an actress.
6. Halle Berry: $14 mil. What she should be earning: $5 mil.Once she lost her shot at launching a new franchise as 007’s Jinx, she lost what should have been her biggest paydays. Alas, she’s now the wrong side of 40, and Hollywood is cruel that way.
7. Charlize Theron: $10 mil. What she should be earning: $10 mil.A smart actress, surrounded by smart people, doing smart roles. Just don’t fuck it up with too many vanity projects.
8. Angelina Jolie: $10 mil. What she should be earning: $25 mil.There’s no one hotter and cooler right now than Angelina onscreen and off (just ask the stalkarazzi), but that could change if she starts auditioning for sainthood by making too many message movies. Let’s hope she’s too badass for that.
9. Kirsten Dunst: $8 mil–$10 mil. What she should be earning: $1 mil.Eventually, the Spider-Man franchise will end. Marie Antoinette dying in theaters didn’t help her price. She was an idiot not to star in Bring It On sequels for big bucks. She’s not sexy enough and she won’t age well with audiences. This is a career about to end.
10. Jennifer Aniston: $8 mil. What she should be earning: $1 mil.She’s not a movie star. She’s a TV star. Big difference. Most of all, she’s not an interesting actress. She can’t open a movie, and her choice of material is abysmal. Sure, The Break-Up did okay business, but that was because of Vince and in spite of her. Soon she’ll be lucky to score the next Lifetime movie.