Shuffle off

I ave this song by "The Lemonheads" called 'Big Gay heart' on my shuffle. If you are not familiar with these guys, their lead singer is a major hottie in the strung out heroin kind of way...at least he was then...
Anyway, this song was on one of their first albums, "Come on, Feel The Lemonheads" and it is on a couple of my playlists.
The funny thing is, that when it comes on, I am always scanning around the crowd to see who (comically) has my, 'big gay heart'. Yesterday I was buying bagels, and I had my headphones around my neck. Although I could hear a tinny sound of music I could not decipher the song being too pre occupied. I left the store, headphones still ajar when I spotted this construction worker across the street who was freaking Totally cruising me, I mean, it kind of made me uncomfortable in a way and I started to get all shifty and self conscious. So, as I was like licking my lips and trying to stand tall and oblivious, I realized that my shuffle was playing and my headphones were around my neck. I put my shopping bag between my legs and put on my headphones... "...My big Gay Heart...please don't break my big gay heart..."

Doughboy

I freaking love my bread man.
If you don't understand...Here is the synopsis.
We needed a new bread man, so we went off to visist them, they want your business, so they give you samples. Who has the best deal, the best bread and all. And, let me say....it was like Cher meeting a half armed Nic Cage. (There go thoses gays with there Cher and all)
I met this dude; let's say Franco; and he was a freaking hottie.
I was like; "We'd like to try your bread"
and honestly;
if the owner Rita was not there this could have turned into some kind of scene.
It was so innocent.
He was this brash, guido: "taste this" and he shoved the Panelle slice into my mouth....
"Ummmm...yeah, that's great", honestly;
I'm not a big bread conniseur, but this was so fucking hot.
She went to look at desserts. he said, "I only wanna deal with you."
...my guido breadmaker.
I could quit this job and be fine, if i was lying next to him in some floury mess.
Pleasant Dreams

Allah (kneel) Allah (kneel)...Let's kill everyone

I hope you guys know, we are all fucked. The severity of this plot is so fucking animalistic it boggles my mind that so many human beings can be so brainwashed by some higher ups in a 'religion'. One of the terrorists was wearing his Air Force uniform whilst holding his explosives.
Thank God for the security at Heathrow and Manchester. (Heathrow detained me in 1984---I was just some rocker looking dude, but still). We can not single out every Muslim in the world. I would like to, but there is just too many of them. Fuck racial profiling...I could give two shits. If some Italian Americans did something detrimental, and I knew I was innocent, I could care less if they detain me or pull me out of a line.
Listen folks. I take the S.I. Ferry everyday, 2X. Do you wanna know how many times I have gotten scanned and my bag checked. It's in the higher double digits. Do I give a shit? NO. If they make me miss the Ferry, yeah. Am I hiring that dragon lady from ACLU, no. I am glad that they do this, and quite frankly, it makes me chuckle a little to myself how many times they pull me out.

This is my childhood

Long story short...My older brother loved Jackson Browne. We would hear it on 8 tracks all the time whilst bemoaning the trip to 'dad's'.

I love my older brother. He set my course in music. I fucking dig lyrics.

Everybody's just waiting to hear from the one
Who can give them the answers
And lead them back to that place in the warmth of the sun
Where sweet childhood still dancesWho'll come along

I decided to to put on my headphones this evening instead of listening to NPR & BBC like I usually do. This is the first song that played; mid sentence.
I (a wuss) cried. It's called "Everyman" and it is gorgeous. Did you know Jax (as we call hin in EMails) was a lover of Nico. Did anyone out there see Nico Icon? Am I speaking to myself?

Gosh peple...you are missing so much. Bungled up with your "Gnarls Barkley"...You are missing so FUCKING MUCH.

Calling a Spade a Digging thingy...Part II

I did not pine for "The Pines" (Fire Island).

Maybe I am cynical? Negative? Bitter? Lonely?
Maybe I'm not into being surrounded by one demographic. I could see myself being the same way had I went to any other place wherein everybody there was on the same page, so to speak. It was like working somewhere and having only one restaurant to choose from, day in day out on your lunch hour. The menu gets a little played.

I come from growing up in a household where my formative years happened to coincide with living in the same house as my father. He happens to be a bigger racist and bigot than the fictional Archie Bunker. I grew up to be his opposite, at least trying my best to. Yet, I can not shake the feeling that his racism was too impaled in me.

For the few months that I lived in South Beach (shutter-Miami Beach) I worked at this International Hostel. The only way you could check in was to have a foreign passport. I absolutely loved being at this job. The daily mix of people coming and going or checking in for a week was such a great cross section of the world. At any given time there were 95 or so guests there and it just made me want to travel the world afterwards, based on this melange of culture.

Another example that comes to mind is working in a restaurant in Manhattan (specifically my stint @ 'Lemon'.) This basically pertains to the Front of The House. The maitre d' was French, the waiters and waitresses were all emigres from France, Ireland, Italy, Australia, Germany and South America. The busboys were usually Pakistani or Indian.
If you had a bitchy queen co-worker to deal with you went and talked with the cool Kiwi girl whose fashion ruled. If you got blue in the face speaking to the fascist reared Italian you went to speak to the more liberal Dutchman. If you wanted to pound some shots you went to hang with the Celtic girl who always smelt of Gin and Tonics. It was this great big utopian stereotypical world.

Esoterica

The more I hear that Americans do not, in general read books, the more inclined I am to get through more of them.

I just finished reading "Magical Thinking" by Augusten Burroughs; after a quick read of Burroughs first 'novel', "Sellevision" earlier in the week. Both were decent and enjoyable, but again, I have to add that I think Burroughs expended all his humorous devices with "...Scissors." Maybe because I read "Running with Scissors" first, my shock value was unhinged and the others paled in comparison?(Especially "Dry"; which I stopped reading after it was trying too hard. It seemed like it needed a laugh track)

But, I do not pick up anything with such huge expectations of being shocked or amused. It's a free flowing inherent device that can happen from either a comic strip (Calvin and Hobbes), a television show (Six Feet Under, Strangers w/ Candy) or a movie (Little Miss Sunshine, Once Were Warrior's). Where as the last three examples are all of a visual type of medium, when a book can achieve this, it is nothing short of brilliance in my world. David Sedaris, Haruki Murakami (The Wind Up Bird Chronicles) and Katherine Dunn (Geek Love) are perfect examples.

Next up is "Dream Brother: the Lives of Jeff and Tim Buckley." Where as with Tim (the father) I really could care less about, it is Jeff whom I absolutely loved. Another tragic person I've bonded with, sans knowing.

one serious Question; asked without an agenda...

Does Israel have the support of any country in the world? I just have not heard of one, besides; of course, US.

What are you reading

Armistead Maupin wrote the brilliant "Tales from the City" books and also a sweet little tome called "Maybe the Moon" which I would buy for everyone I knew who read because I loved it so. Here is an exerpt from a Planet Out interview done with the author recently.

So what are you reading these days? What new author has grabbed your attention?
I read a book recently when I was driving around Scotland with my husband, titled I Am Not My Self These Days by Josh Kilmer-Purcell. (The central character) is an ad exec by day and a seven-foot drag queen by night. His boyfriend is a crack-addicted escort and, believe it or not, it's absolutely hilarious and heartbreaking and heartfelt. Oddly enough, my British editor gave it to me because I had not run across it when it was published in the States.

Sounds pretty cool

Anyone?

If anyone can help me with 'bit torrents' and the like, I would appreciate it a lot.
Email me @ vedderjett@yahoo.com

Yeah...it does seem to be the hardest word

What's happening in this world these days? Was I in Rehab when the message got passed around that you no longer have to say, 'I'm sorry.' I mean, I know at one point I would overuse this phrase; it was probably while I was getting the shit beat out of me by my sperm donor/father and I was about 7 years old and I had done something I KNEW I would repeat. But those disingenuous words do not apply to me as an adult when I say them and mean them.And don't get me started with those fuckheads I have met in my lifetime, for when I would say ' Sorry bout that' or something to that effect, reply with 'You don't have to be sorry.' Fuck, I wanna body slam em' right there.I deal with my mother a little to much these days, and even she, the woman who would cry @ the telephone company commercials refuses to use this phrase. "You want me to say I'm sorry? I'm not." WTF? What do you say when you are wrong and want to make peace?She'll be (sarcastic tone), "Okay. Your right, Mickey. Your right. Okay?""Um. No. It's not okay. Just say your sorry."Saying your sorry about something has you acknowledging that you may not have been right in that situation. It's sort of saying to the other person, 'Okay. I made that mistake and it won't happen again.' Not drilling your sarcastic laced venomous voice into said persons head that you were actually wrong but I will say 'your right' so you can get away from me. Whew.

faggots! 

Don't let the Karma door hit you on the ass on the way out

I keep track of people who make gay slurs or endorse homophobia so it gives me tremendous pleasure in all this shit surrounding Mel Gibson. Years ago there was a magazine called 'Outweek', which was a weekly zine dealing with anything going on in the gay world. Although I was still not into blockbuster type movies and their stars, I was resolved to never watch a Mel Gibson movie in my life after his remarks around that time dealing with gay guys and AIDS and getting it up the ass. Nuff said and to be fair to drunky, I paraphrased that last sentence.
Sebastian Bach was the lead singer of Skid Row, a metal hair band who had their biggest hit with a wuss rock tune and sometimes opened for the hot Guns and Roses at the time. Bach wore a t-shirt at an arena type show which said, "AIDS kills Fags dead." Now he is a fat hasbeen trying to squeeze into his leathers with the same doofy haircut and he, get this, has a recurring role on "The Gilmore Girls." Very straight indeed.
Roy Cohn, over actedly played by Al Pacino in "Angels in America."
Rev. Fred Phelps who drunkenly beat his children into mental disorders.
Axel Rose; ("Immigrants and Faggots, they make no sense to me...) who now sports more Botox than Cindy Adams and has a worse weave than Whitney on her third night at the crack den.
And on and on...
Hey, the man who fathered me could be in this article as well...From "Journal of Psychotherapy"
"...which involves putting a special cuff around the penises of homophobic young men. This cuff measures even tiny changes in the penile circumference. The homophobes are then shown homoerotic films; the cuff shows that their penises get bigger as they watch hot gay men doing what hot gay men do in such films."

Waiting for the Night

Sandy West (far right) was the drummer for The Runaways. She is currently hospitalized for cancer of the lungs and a brain tumor. Sandy (nee Pesavento), stayed with The Runaways until their break up and was all set for the reunion tour of 99 had it not been for Lita Ford backing out. I emplore you to get your hands on The Runaways documentary, "Edgeplay." It was made by Vickie Blue who replaced Jackie Fox when she left the band. The docu also details in depth a lot of the problems Sandy faced when the band broke up. Say a novena or light a candle for this cool as shit drummer.

Pastiche

Lance Bass. Who's next, Travolta? Give me one that Helen Keller's gaydar doesn't seem to pick up on. My next sentence was going to give an example of someone that I might have a crush on who I would hope to come out, someone unexpected. But honestly, no one came to mind that anyone else would know. I seem to be attracted to girls who are strangers, boyfriends.


"Born into Brothels" Please rent this movie. It is brilliant. It really makes you feel grateful for opportunity. This movie is about 8 children from Calcutta whose mothers' are prostitutes working out of their squalid living enviorns. I was struck how these children, who get no schooling whatsoever are smarter than 3/4 of the kids in America. This movie will bring out your altruistic side. It's heartbreaking and inspirational.


Download Pete Yorns' "The Man", a duet with Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks. This song is absolutely gorgeous. (This link will take you to the comments page of the post. Click on, Show origional post, and then you can download it from there. )

The Notebook

Since 1986 I have kept journals. This was well before Oprah's journaling phase and I started right after I moved back to NYC from the Virgin Islands. I've amassed about 55 of these in all different shapes and sizes and covers that suited me at the time.( I went through a Keith Haring 'Pop Shop' journal phase in the late 80's) When Brian and I fled (and I mean hit the ground running) from South Beach (Miami) in 1992 and we were limited for space in his Jetta to drive to Los Angeles, I brought only some clothes and all my journals up til that point with me. The rest of my belongings I put in storage in Homestead, Fla. which then got damaged in a hurricane and I lost every possession of my life and received $75 because I never filled out the insurance form. Since then, wherever I go, I bring the whole group with me, because they are my 'fire' grab. I have them all in this antique wooden Jack Daniels crate from the 40's. (Figures-liquor)
The last couple of years I've felt very, how should I say, milk like. I feel I have an expiration date on me and since I have no kids or house or Life Insurance for that matter the only thing I have to leave behind as my being here are these journals. No one in my family reads anything more than The Post so I can not see them staying up late into the night riveted by the eccentric warblings of their dearly departed brother/son. I think that they would honor them by keeping them, yet nothing would become of them in so far as the romantic notions I would have had I been bequeathed such a lot.
I was thinking of stipulating in a will something to the effect of putting an ad in a well to do college newspaper, which has a good writing program and see if any student might want to be the benefactor of these musings. I would have left them to my college but I can not see the value in leaving a Culinary School the ramblings and thoughts of an alcoholic, sex crazed procrastinator and dreamer. It's funny because of my four closest friends, neither of them are readers as well. As a side note, a recent fuck buddy of mine had seen the lot of them and said that HE would pay for them to be well kept in a security box!
I've been typing each journal, non sequentially onto my hard drive. The fact that I am taking them out randomly has me experiencing kind of fucked up dreams and thoughts when I go for my walk/jog. I have been googling all these 'co-stars' of my life whom I have either burned bridges with or who have stop calling when my drinking and drunk dialing got out of hand. I have been amused and stultified while transcribing. I have seen my potential reach it's apex and I have read my fears and on going anxieties crush me into devastation. I have writings more vivid than a powerpoint lecture and I have seen where I have been an absolute sucker and pushover to eventual users I had let into my life.
Maybe this will be cathartic for me in some way. Maybe since memoirs have been the flavor of the last few years I will send some of the completed works out. I don't know.

Freedom...

I used to be a 'modelizer' in the late 80's early 90's. My friend Brian was working for one of the big agencies as a model and we would go to all these great parties and I would go on a lot of go-see's with him. This was Linda Evangelista's heyday. She basically held some kind of record by being on so many covers in a given month, and consecutive covers for the same magazine. I'm not a big fan of Canadians, but I love when an Italian (heritage) girl makes good. We (Brian and I) would watch Elsa Klench on CNN Saturday mornings to see Linda strut her stuff on the runway. I seriously wanted to be a booker at this time as well. Linda would change her hair color every couple of months and it made fashion headlines. By the mid ninties, fashion magazines started putting celebrities on the covers and basically, aside from Giselle, no real stand out 'name' models have come out of the last decade. (Kate Moss was already a name). This month, a pregnant Linda E. is on the cover of 'Vogue' (Aug). She's 41 and preggers and she looks phenominal. I know it's rare for me to fawn over someone, but I dig her and her "not getting out of bed for less than 10,000" attitude. She claims that she had no 'B' plan if she did not make it in modeling. Determined girl. Buy this magazine people; and show these editrixes at the major mags that we wants some supermodels back.

Reasons Bush is President and more fun facts

• Taylor Hicks. (Is it Tyler?) Whomever. This is the guy who won "American Idol." Have you see/heard his Ford commercial? I was cooking with my back turned to the television and I only heard it. My first thought was that it was a sendup parody of Bill Murrays' 'Lounge Singer' sketches, but I shrugged it off. Later that evening I was watching "Law and Order" and I saw the same ad. Are you fucking kidding me? This guy is such a hack and so "bad Vegas" I can not believe he garnered like 40 Million Votes!

• This guy I knew in Los Angeles is getting his own talk show on the UPN/WB new station, CW. I almost jumped out of the duplex I am living in. I knew him when I was sober for about two years as he was as well. I wondered if 'the miracle' happened yet for a lot of people in this same position. (This is anthem in AA). He was doing this type of Rock-n-Roll type standup at the time, kind of frat boy type comedy which I never related to but sometimes got. He also sent out huge wavelengths on my gaydar, but that could have been because he tried really hard to look good despite an average face. A couple of years ago I was flipping the channels and I saw him on "Oprah" talking about this relationship book he wrote. Kind of like "The Rules" for guys. And now this. Cripes.

• If I ran a website/blog like a lot of these repetitive gossip blogs I would probably get less hits than I do now. I read these sites sometimes when I am bored, and I just don't get it. I don't get the 'begging for the old Britney' pleas and the 'look at Ashley (either one) today in this outfit'. And I especially don't get the comments that are left by these readers. Majority it seems are willing to slag off anyone they could with the hopes of making their own lives seem less pitiful, some are just plain clueless and some are vicariously living through these celebrities lives by the gossip they read of them. They are on a first name basis with these people. Five steps behind that Letterman tormentor. Here are the people who would be on my Celebrity Blog. Kathryn Erbe (L&O:CI), Annabella Sciorra, Lili Taylor, (I scored big when all three of these babes starred in Abel Ferrara's "The Haunting"), Tina Louise, Vincennt D'Onofrio, Toni Collette, Parker Posey, Laura Linney, J.Jason Leigh, Hugh Grant ( I know. But he kind of amuses me.), Cate Blanchett, Wes Anderson, Gwynnie and anyone from "The Gilmore Girls." Man crushes: Tony Ward, Adam Brody, Jonathon Shaech (?), Mark Ruffalo and tons of singer/songwriters.

Vietnam War Lottery...They say it's your Birthday, your gonna have a good Time

Years ago, when I first heard that they had a lottery system for recruits for the Vietnam War, I had always wondered where I stood on being drafted and most likely, killed. What they did was put 366 sheets of paper in a bag. This was to represent each day of the year. Sorry leap year babies; you may only get to celebrate your birthday once every four years but you can die on any given day for your country in 1969 .(What did Jehovahs Witnesses do?) They pulled out the numbers, and viola, you were drafted. It's worse than a round of 'Mystery Date.' Check this out: I'm at 195. According to the site: "Anyone who recieved a number below 196 reported to war, anyone above, did not." I was completely FUCKED!!
Here's the link..."Billy don't be a hero"

Project Runway: There she goes...

Well, last week I wrote about Malan and that accent of his and how he reminded me of Bruce LaBruce's character in 'Hustler White'. I guess he annoyed me but I believe part of his pomposity was due to all the 'lack of testosterone' of the contestants. This week the sewers(?), sewists(?) were given the challenge of creating Miss USA's evening gown in the Miss World competition. Miss USA was there and she is kinda cute. She's got this Tex-Mex thing going on, and she seemed to roll her eyes and grow impatient with ignorami who seem to outweigh in airtime the talented. Is Angela the new Wendy or does she just play one on Reality Television? Actually, at least Wendy could draw. This stupid bitch approached Miss USA with a blank sketchpad and seemed to have nothing except for then trying to hook herself up with the most talented person for this challenge, a guy who LIVES for pageants. She did this maneuvering after she found out that everyone would be working in teams. Seven leaders were chosen and each of those had to pick one of the remainders. Malan was one of the chosen and I think it was pretty shitty of the producers to show the clip of his confessional when he explained that when he was 13 and presented his Mom with some sketches he was working on, she threw them to the floor and said, "Don't ever do this again." He went on to explain how he wanted most of all to show them all now. It was kind of sad coming from someone I perceived to be so full of himself and arrogant the week before. The leader of Angelas team was some nutbag who looks like a cross between Rick Moranis, Peter Allens Flamenco Days and Fred Armison from SNL (who I detest a lot). Angela looked like a pain in the ass who obviously owns a watch. She was like Big Ben while they were shopping for material. When Tim came over to discuss the dress as it was being built she totally distanced herself from the creation. Well, the judging came and the Runway was great, and we were left with only Malan and Angela on the short list to go home. When Heidi said "Angela" and paused for her dramatic effect, I thought for sure she was going to say in her lispy English, "your out". But, it was Malan who got the boot. And that's why I thought it was pretty shitty for the editors to put Malans above statements in this episode. They could have spliced into last weeks episode or 'The Road to the Runway' which was last week as well.
I just would like to state that there seems to be a couple of real assholes on this season. Like, really full of themselves, narcissistic assholes.
Auf Wiedersehen, Mickey

Since Lance Armstrong is Cancer Free, Is it O.K. for me to Hate him now?

Cancer is not funny. And neither is Lance Armstrong, who hosted the ESPY Awards and continued to give shout outs to his 2 balled friends, Matthew McCounaghey and Jake Gyllenhaal. Lance also made an up to the minute "Brokeback" joke. This coming from a guy who wears more spandex than the state of New Jersey. See the clip here.